When the Unemployed Hillary Clinton Campaign Team Takes Over The Mariners

Terry McAuliffe will announce that Richie Sexson is still a candidate for the All-Star team.

Jose Vidro will tell reporters about the thrill of getting a clutch hit to drive in a World Series-winning run. Reporters will later discover that Vidro has never played in a World Series, has never gotten a clutch hit, and has never driven in a run.

John McLaren will call for ten town-hall meetings with Mike Scioscia.

The Mariners organization will demand to be included in the postseason based on the team's undefeated record in Cactus League "B" games.

J.J. Putz will shed his tough guy facade and cry during a postgame press conference.

Jarrod Washburn will shed his tough guy facade and cry during a postgame press conference.

Ichiro will cry during a postgame press conference.

Geraldine Ferraro will charge that Texas is ahead of the Mariners only because Ron Washington is black.

Raul Ibanez will warn against talks with Barry Bonds.

Chuck Armstrong will knock back pre-game shots of whiskey with a group of frat brothers at Sluggers.

Bill Clinton will call the Angels' 37-24 record "the biggest fairy tale you ever saw."

At the end of each game, the Mariners will announce to fans that they should "drive home safely, listen to the postgame show on KOMO 1000, and donate to Mariners.com."